Mr. Sandman

I have discussed what to do with this blog now. I have used it to work out some anger, frustration, and grief over what had been happening to my father and how it affected our relationship and our family.I haven't decided yet but I might still use it to work through some grief. He has recently passed away in what I felt was a surprisingly fast way. I know. I have been writing this blog since 2009, not very quick right? However, the week before his death he was laughing and joking with us, then he was gone. It was a strange adjustment to make. I knew he was sick, but I had fooled myself into thinking that he was going to be around 'a few' more years. At times that made me angry that this disease could take so long while taking so much from him, but without realizing it, I think it comforted me that I would have my dad a little longer.
I have taken time off of work, some tell me the best thing I can do is go back to work, to get back into life. However, they have not been caring for someone for the last 2 years of their lives. Spending the first year sleeping through the night with one ear open waiting to hear him fall, to hear my mother tell me he was sick again, or my biggest fear- had stopped breathing.
My mother has the same problem. She has spent the last two years listening at night to make sure he is still breathing, listening when he gets up in the morning.
When my dad was in the kitchen and I was in my bedroom I could tell you everything he did, every move he made simply by listening. When he was doing something I knew he couldn't handle doing anymore (such as using the stove) I would hear a shift in his usual pattern and know to get up to check on him.
This was a constant 24/7 watch that me and my mother had to keep on him so he didn't hurt himself, walk out the door, or just make huge messes. Once it got to be too much for us to do 24/7 we put him in Pres. Homes. Then a new tension was built that we didn't even feel until it was over.
With my dad staying away from the house we had to provide certain things for him such as clothes, laundry service, snacks, and then we would visit him. Well no longer understanding that there are other things and problems going on outside where he was staying my father wanted us to visit everyday. Especially my mother, (i can't say I blame him). This would cause guilt on my mothers part, and she would try to be there as much as possible causing her than to get ill, I would than feel guilty for not going enough. In the end we would all be ran ragged.
All the while this is going on at home we subconsciously waited for that one phone call to come saying that he didn't make it through the night, or that he got up when he wasn't supposed to and hit his head really hard and hasn't woken up. All sorts of things that could happen while things are out of our watch.
Come to find out, for two years neither my mother or I had been sleeping like we needed to. We had been sleeping the sleep of a caregiver. Always listening, always waiting.
Our bodies are now trying to catch up after two years. Sometimes all we do is sleep all day long. Our Psychiatrist tell us it is completely normal after someone like my dad passes for the caregivers to need rest like this, but I have never been so exhausted in my life