This made me Laugh.

My dad used to sing this song ALL the time.

We need a Christmas Break

The last few days, ever since Christmas really, my mother has had a bad migraine. Then she caught the flu from me. I was taught to share *shrug*. It is day 4 of her migraine and while i am starting to feel better, and her flu symptoms where actually not that bad, her headache has gotten worse.
Tonight for a period of a half an hour all I could do to help her was rub her and listen to her pray to God to make the pain stop. Eventually, she calmed down enough, or wore herself out enough, to fall asleep. As she was just starting to fall asleep I crawled into the bed where my dad used to sleep, and I remembered how he used to sit with her when she had a headache, rub her, talk to her, and soothe her. How she must miss this. How she must feel alone now compared to the past 30+ past years with my father beside her.

A New Normal?

My Aunt Jane, who is a wonderful person, my dad's older sister, and was always very close to my dad and is loved by our family has started sending us a series of books to read about the different stages of grief. They arrive at different times and you can read them as you need them. The first one has arrived and my mother and I are taking turns reading it. So far, it sounds like everything we are going through is normal grief. Even the complete exhaustion that causes us to sleep the clock around. I find that I do wish that it was summer though so it would be easier to get out, that it wasn't so cold and the weather so daunting.
I have always been more of a do-er than my mom when it comes to things like organizing, going through things and such. I feel like I should lead the charge as far as going through some of my fathers things that were not sentimental. Some of his new clothes that he hadn't worn long, things that were bought only for the Home that he had been in for the last 6 month. Yet I don't want to do it. I can't bring myself to start it too soon, not because I am not really ready grief wise, but what if in my rush I get rid of something that I regret. Then I can never go back, I can never get that thing, that piece of my father back. It will be gone forever because I didn't wait a while. I rushed into it. Into the decision process with preconceived notions of what was important to me and what wasn't.

How We Grieve

I read this recently and it describes how my mother and I feel, so I thought I would share it here.

"When you lose a parent you lose your past; when you lose your spouse you lose your present; when you lose a child you lose your future."


"Sometimes an anticipated death can become a sudden death. Our loved one may have been terminally ill but died suddenly of a complication. We are left reeling from the unexpected loss, while everyone around us thinks we were [more] prepared for the death"

Mr. Sandman

I have discussed what to do with this blog now. I have used it to work out some anger, frustration, and grief over what had been happening to my father and how it affected our relationship and our family.I haven't decided yet but I might still use it to work through some grief. He has recently passed away in what I felt was a surprisingly fast way. I know. I have been writing this blog since 2009, not very quick right? However, the week before his death he was laughing and joking with us, then he was gone. It was a strange adjustment to make. I knew he was sick, but I had fooled myself into thinking that he was going to be around 'a few' more years. At times that made me angry that this disease could take so long while taking so much from him, but without realizing it, I think it comforted me that I would have my dad a little longer.
I have taken time off of work, some tell me the best thing I can do is go back to work, to get back into life. However, they have not been caring for someone for the last 2 years of their lives. Spending the first year sleeping through the night with one ear open waiting to hear him fall, to hear my mother tell me he was sick again, or my biggest fear- had stopped breathing.
My mother has the same problem. She has spent the last two years listening at night to make sure he is still breathing, listening when he gets up in the morning.
When my dad was in the kitchen and I was in my bedroom I could tell you everything he did, every move he made simply by listening. When he was doing something I knew he couldn't handle doing anymore (such as using the stove) I would hear a shift in his usual pattern and know to get up to check on him.
This was a constant 24/7 watch that me and my mother had to keep on him so he didn't hurt himself, walk out the door, or just make huge messes. Once it got to be too much for us to do 24/7 we put him in Pres. Homes. Then a new tension was built that we didn't even feel until it was over.
With my dad staying away from the house we had to provide certain things for him such as clothes, laundry service, snacks, and then we would visit him. Well no longer understanding that there are other things and problems going on outside where he was staying my father wanted us to visit everyday. Especially my mother, (i can't say I blame him). This would cause guilt on my mothers part, and she would try to be there as much as possible causing her than to get ill, I would than feel guilty for not going enough. In the end we would all be ran ragged.
All the while this is going on at home we subconsciously waited for that one phone call to come saying that he didn't make it through the night, or that he got up when he wasn't supposed to and hit his head really hard and hasn't woken up. All sorts of things that could happen while things are out of our watch.
Come to find out, for two years neither my mother or I had been sleeping like we needed to. We had been sleeping the sleep of a caregiver. Always listening, always waiting.
Our bodies are now trying to catch up after two years. Sometimes all we do is sleep all day long. Our Psychiatrist tell us it is completely normal after someone like my dad passes for the caregivers to need rest like this, but I have never been so exhausted in my life

I love you daddy.

Saturday night at 6:50 pm my father passed away. It was a long battle, starting before we even knew. He fought it every day. He never complained and never asked "why me?". He fought until he was surrounded by his family, waiting for his sisters and his brother to arrive. He stopped fighting so hard once he realized everyone who loved him was surrounding him with love.

He was, and always will be the most amazing man I have ever met, and I will miss him everyday.

A Lot of Talk

So up until this point I have given you lots of information, told you some stories, and some of my depressing stories. I have not however, introduced you to the man behind this disease. My father was one of the smartest, and funniest people I have ever met in my life. When I was little he knew everything, and if he didn't he made it up. As I got older I thought he made up more than I thought, but I wonder now if it wasn't the disease affecting his memory more and more and not that he just never knew these things.

So, here in an array of pictures (as I have not transferred the videos he is in to dvd) is my father.